Comments to his mother about the problems were met with denials and personal attacks as she adamantly refused to consider that her son might be causing problems. This, in turn, caused some hard feelings among a few of the other parents. After numerous complaints from parents about Efe’s disruptive and sometimes violent behavior, the school administration eventually convinced Efe’s parents of the need for professional help in learning how to deal with their son and his behavioral problems. Even though they were very slow in accepting the fact that they needed help, the parents finally did come to understand that they needed family counseling.However, before their counseling sessions began, Efe’s mother had been very hostile to me, partly due to my typically American way of confronting problems head on. Not understanding the cultural norms, when I spoke directly and strongly to her about the problems and the need for some type of intervention on her part, she became openly hostile toward me. To her, my directness was taken as an open accusation that she lacked the parenting skills necessary. While that was not my intent, cultural differences played a role in making the problem between the two of us deeper than it should have been.
Since the family began attending counseling sessions, there appears to have been some shifts in the behavior of both Efe and his mother. Since I do not know the father, I have no idea about whether or not his behavior has undergone changes also. In class, according to reports from Ali Adem, Efe is calmer and much less disruptive. He has even made small overtures to Ali Adem and his aggressive behavior toward him has decreased somewhat. Although the two boys will probably never be close friends, due in part to Efe’s past behavior, Ali Adem is willing to give Efe the benefit of the doubt and see if he really has changed for the better. During recess, he and Efe play soccer together on occasion. However, Ali Adem has decided to be a little wary of Efe and his motives.
When asked if Efe has ever apologized for his past behavior toward Ali Adem, two episodes of which resulted in emergency trips to the doctor for injuries inflicted, Ali Adem replied that Efe has never apologized for, or even acknowledged, any past actions. Ali Adem’s theory is that Efe may be embarrassed about how he once acted and does not want to have to face it or talk about it. He is willing to let the past go, to some extent, and he has not asked Efe about why he said or did certain things in the past.
Likewise, Efe’s mother has undergone some changes in her behavior toward me, but I too am keeping her at arm’s length, waiting to see if the changes are real or if they are just for show. Lately, instead of turning her head and ignoring my greetings, she tries to smile and return the niceties. I was surprised recently to receive a phone call from her, wishing me good luck on our recent move to a new apartment and wishing me happiness in our new home. She had heard from another mother of a classmate that we had moved to just around the corner from her, and her call was very unexpected and out of character for her, considering her past actions. However, after a brief pause, I decided to follow Ali Adem’s lead, give her the benefit of the doubt and graciously accept her good wishes.
I do not expect the two of us to ever become close friends, but that is no reason why we cannot be civil and polite. I would like to know what prompted her, and her son’s, changes in attitudes. I suspect that Ali Adem is right that Efe does not want to have to confront or deal with his past actions. The same may hold true for his mother. This makes me wonder, though, that if past harmful and dangerous actions are ignored, are we all expected to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary ever happened? It may be my American attitude again coming into conflict with Turkish culture, but it seems to me that to truly move beyond the past, then responsibility should be taken for past actions. By pretending to ignore what Efe has done in the last two years, is this allowing him to think that he is not responsible? Likewise, by his mother suddenly changing her attitude, am I expected to overlook previous history? If I directly ask her about why she and her son have acted as they did in the past, will I be opening up a new can of worms culture-wise? In the meantime, Ali Adem and I will wait and see if the changes are real or not.
Send comments and questions to k.hamilton@todayszaman.com
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